Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.

Level of high: 7/10

Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?

Me: *defensively* I have been using-

Wife: Not as a coaster

Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink

15, driving: [runs stop sign]

me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there

15: but no one was coming

me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION

I’m not built for teenagers driving.

It’s my emotional support 16 unwashed coffee cups in the sink

Twitter account is my serious account.

The funny one is my bank account.

Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all

Donatello: to protect our identities?

Splinter: exactly Raphael

Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael

Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo

Raphael: master, that’s not-

Splinter: just put them on please

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.

Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.

College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.

From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now

Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.

Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire

It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.

building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows

Person: What are you doing?

Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls

P: You win weirdest problem of the day

Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?

NO, SENSEI!

Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden

Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?

Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.

Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.

I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.

Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.

thug: empty your pockets

me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!

thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30

me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.

Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?

How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜

does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom

Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…