Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I have no idea what “I’m just waiting for the code to compile.” means but if you say it to your boss he’ll let you get back to your video game.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
*first date*
Him: You’re very interesting.
Me: Thank you.
Him: And fun to be around.
Me: That’s nice, thanks.
Him: You need to stop all of that if this is going to work.
Me:
Him: I’m just trying to help you. Change is good.
Me: Check please!
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.