Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
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God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Brain: that was a good cookie
Body: here’s 4 pounds
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
For cardio I live beyond my means.
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.