*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
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I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
Eyebrows tangled with the fury of a thousand Scottish grandfathers.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
Seek kebab; not attention
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
[Ghost describing stalker to sketch artist]
“He was a yellow circle with a demonic mouth.”
*holds up drawing of Pac-Man*
*sobs* THAT’S HIM!
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage