Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*

*weighs self*

“Shit”

*takes clothes off*

“GODDAMMIT”

*takes tampon out*

I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do

Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.

a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years

My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.

A babysitter allowed our 4 year old to eat 5 loaves and 2 fish! I had 5000 men coming over that this food was for..

All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt

I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out

Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.

Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back

Whisper out to librarians!

my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last

1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hours

Congratulations! How was Disneyworld?

my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] wtf

My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.

We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.

i’m sure it’s fine

Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’

Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.

I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.

Everyone talks about having an inner child but I have an inner raccoon who tells me to embrace the dark circles under my eyes, sleep all day and eat delicious trash

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.

Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”

My five year plan is a meteorite

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.