Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They need a Spotify Wrapped but for biscuit consumption.

“You ate 1,825 custard creams this year! 🙌 That’s in the top 0.05% of custard cream eaters 👍🥳”

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

Guys, I found it.

Making an appointment for your kid before school starts is either “we had a last minute cancellation for tomorrow at 4:45AM” or “We can see you under the next harvest moon in Ocvembril 2075. Make sure to arrive 15 minutes early or you’ll be charged for a missed appointment.”

…

[intensive care]

NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!

ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.

I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards

if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again

If you drink 8 glasses of water a day you will die fully hydrated

Me: *hasn’t eaten a tomato in 4 months*
“Ten tomato plants should do!”

I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide

Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries

Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

[firing squad]
Any last requests?

“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”

Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE

*gunshots*

Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?

Wife: Absolutely not.

Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?

Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF

whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.

My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.

therapist: whats the problem?

me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.

therapist: sounds like you’re bananas

I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous

I get my eyes from my Dad & the ability to find something wrong with almost anything from my Mom

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

CONCERT

AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!

me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today

platter of various cheeses: