Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Pilot: Plane’s too heavy, must shed 5 passengers!
Co-Pilot: A deserted island’s below us…
*lock eyes* We have to MAROON 5!
*plane implodes
This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
One time I ate a quarter and pooped out a gumball.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
The problem with movies, today, is that Shrek isn’t in all of them.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Why? Just why? 😂