Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
But it’s not the “worst way” either…
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I have obtained a hat
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
I had to lay down on my bed to zip up my jeans this morning so I’m calling in thick today
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what