Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
[After Sex]
Him: how was it for you?
Shakira’s hips: well…
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
friend: can you help me plan the baby shower?
me: sure. lather, rinse, repeat.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes