Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.

Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.

Me: No.

Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!

Me: Please stop.

Body: Itchy back!

Just heard that distinct “baby fell out of the crib and into a pizza that was on the floor” sound

Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why

Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me

Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.

BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday

[1 a.m. thursday night]

ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped

Texas chain saw massacre is full of plot holes… what happens to the victims when they die? is there an afterlife?

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

I ended up living in a storage unit the last time I took advice from a guy named Kyle

A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.

[looking through photos of the kids]

Me: Best thing we’ve ever done

Wife: Having children?

Me: No, buying a camera

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: *leaves on read*

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968

Worst Native American name ever.

Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again

Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?

I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving

6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*

“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”

Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*