Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!
*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.
No fruit flies.[buys a single banana]
87,000,000 fruit flies.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Put this video in the Louvre
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.