Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys

A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.

went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm

If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.

NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…

…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.

Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY

Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”

I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.

If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

Me: *snuggles under electric blanket*

Husband, from the other room: Are you cooking? I smell butter or grease or something

And that’s how I know I’ve eaten too much

Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.

Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.

I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol

Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson

Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.

“Help yourself!”

– people who don’t want to help you

Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs

[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?

The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)

6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.

[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]

ME: oh no, is it my time?!

GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…

Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave

Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG

welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh

sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location