Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”

I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!

Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.

After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.

Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.

i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”

*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*

Me food shopping alone: $250.00

Food shopping w/the husband: $99.75

Food shopping with the kids: $699.00

[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are

FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?

ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.

in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”

i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.

I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.

[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.

I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.

having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.

Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.

I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”

If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.

Me, dressed Covid casual at work.

Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”

My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.

The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen