Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
compared to the rest of 2017 the Fyre Festival was a high point
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My son texted me that he’d forgotten his favorite beer mug and asked if I’d email it to him. Naturally, I knew he meant to say mail, but don’t think for a second that stopped me from emailing him a picture of said mug.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
A couple who are silly together stay together.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: You’re old and out of shape and way past your prime, but you are nice.
Mirror: Yes, you do seem nice.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.