Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

As a kid I taught myself to read. My brother stuck a peanut up his nose so he could be an elephant

He’s married with 3 great kids and a home now & I’m alone on a beanbag with Taco Bell on my 23rd episode of Forensic Files in a row so obvi I’m still the one making better choices

My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.

run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit

If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.

The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?

So sad. Really.

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

Remember that financial writer who started her article by saying “Anyone can fall for a scam!” then admitted she thought Amazon was giving her a secret mission from the FBI and had to put her life savings in a shoe box and give it to a stranger immediately or she’d go to prison

The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.

They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.

Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.

Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.

Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers

*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*

Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.

Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.

Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

I met a microbiologist today…

He was a lot bigger than I expected.

Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”

Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”

Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”

this is what they would have looked like, though

I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.

Four Worst Feelings Ever:

4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic

The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.