Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’
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If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
*looking at my messy home*
Time to Marie Kondo the shit outta this place.
*5 mins later, crying*
I can’t throw out the box for my Optimus 7. It was a Windows phone. They don’t make those anymore. *in fetal position* It sparks joy. It sparks joy. It sparks j-j-j-j-oy!
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
It’s been really good to have my son home for the weekend. I’d almost forgotten how sarcastic he is.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
If you’re stupid and you know it close your mouth.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶