Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.

The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”

happy valentine’s day to me

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to

I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”

happy to report that “what time is it/time for you to get a watch” is still being used by the youths

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

My kid convinced my husband to get her trail mix without the nuts and the dried fruit, so I confiscated the bag of m&ms and ate them myself

We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.

HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE!

[Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra

What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.

HR: I’m afraid that’s not proper corporate dress code.

ME: *taking off wetsuit* casual Friday is bullshit then.

i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related

[wife is gone]

me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings

10: did mom say you could?

me: it’s my house too!

10: but did she tell you that you could do that?

me: I can do what I want

10: I’m texting mom

Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.

6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.

Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor

Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?

Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course

Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.

Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.

My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.

Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator

Me: why

*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*

[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing

Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.

In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.