Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.

ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present

ESKIMO: You idiot

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”

Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?

Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

dog 911: what’s ur emergency?

dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE

dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?

dog: [whimpering]

dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass

Netflix: are you still watching

Alexa: yeah he’s here

Me: 😳

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

[blind date]

HER: I love the fall

ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming

Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now

Pizza will never hurt your feelings.

“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds

You need subtitles.

Me to every 2yr old.

Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)

*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*

You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave

What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed

This meeting could have been a cake