Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.

[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach

It’s so cute that you’re nervous

[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?

Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*

When your teen is already bigger than you are…

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking

I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid

Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)

6yo student: My grandma has that dress.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

boy calls me cute: thanks i guess

boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding

Me: you should join Twitter.

Them: I don’t even like people.

Me: then you’re gonna love it.

So many things changing daily.

For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting

[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris

Just did a big green poo by a canal

Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”

surgeon: says here he also has night terrors

patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!

surgeons: ahhh!!!

The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.

I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.