Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow

This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Can’t trust CNN? Next thing ya know Nigerian royalty sending me emails will be fake.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.

judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?

me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here

Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.

Pickled cat.

I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.

[shopping]

My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!

Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?

forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep

*next morning*

iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off

Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.

As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit

I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.

Friend: You look different…younger…really great

Me: I had a little something done

Friend: *whispers* Face lift?

Me: Colonoscopy

Shouldn’t it be spelled “Ciclops” with one i?

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today