Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?

“We can’t put it off any longer Alan, our daughter needs new shoes”

CENTIPEDE DAD: [staring out the window] This is gonna bankrupt us Susan

I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”

I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.

Ate.

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

never in my 3 days of trading have I ever seen anything like this

Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.

“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”

Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.

*sees a talking Batman cup*

Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die

fired

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

OPEN YOUR EYES, PEOPLE!!

AND LET ME TOUCH YOUR EYEBALL!!!

WHETHER OR NOT I’M AN EYE DOCTOR IS **IRRELEVANT**

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.

To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later

I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.

I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.

She’s an animal in bed.

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

never thought about how many random ass people i would have to tell that i was getting divorced. verizon employees! car insurance agents! a trader joe’s employee! (i did not have to tell the trader joe’s employee but that one felt right).

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶

Death Row inmate: how did you get in here