Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else

“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror

If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

No I will not change my password.

If someone wants this life, they can have it.

I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman

At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.

Someone garnished my wage.

Just yelled “LET’S DO THIS” when getting into my car, so my neighbors think I am doing something way cooler than my weekly Target run.

*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY

Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.

Ketchup Packet: haha nope.

Me: come on man please.

Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.

Me: uh what?

Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.

Me: ugh fine.

[ketchup explodes everywhere]

Ketchup Packet: lol.

30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.

Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.

Don’t ask me how I know this.

Watson was Holmes schooled

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

god: make a giant mouse

angel: okay

god: with a baby carrier on it

angel: wh- why

god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff

angel: [nervously] what stuff

god: [hits joint] boxing

[2nd time at girls house]

“where’s your dog?”

Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting

[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”

Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.

[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*

Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.

Most people who think I’m a nice person have no idea that I’d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.

Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?

Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.

Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.

But like, scarily. Or whatever.

Waiter: May I take your order?

Yes, roll over and play dead!

Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.

Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.