Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
You Might Also Like
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Ugh but profoundly
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator