Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia

I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.

My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.

Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.

[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch

*date*

GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?

LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.

Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers

“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain

Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.

Repeatedly referring to the electrician as a “take charge kind of guy” is a great way to make your doorbell turn on the garbage disposal.

thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation

I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.

Me: So what do you do?

Date: I’m a seismologist.

Me: No way! Can you…

Date: Please don’t.

Me: …guess my height?

“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”

J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!

“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”

Stop correcting my vodkabulary

[Father’s Day]

ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…

DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.

Them: Going camping?

Me: Nope

superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts

me: this is relatable as hell

If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.

Actually cracking up @ this