Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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Me: *wakes up*
My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My therapist after every session
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too
My 6yo told me just before bed she had a quiz the next day so when I questioned why she didn’t tell me when I asked her if she had homework earlier she said “You asked me if I had homework, not a quiz, duh.”
In other news, there’s a kid on sale on eBay.
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Me: [wrapping Christmas gifts]
My dog: I shall help by stepping on all the paper and eating the tape.
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because I want to start crying slowly today
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
Sorry I’m late, I was waiving my hands at a paper towel dispenser that turned out to not be automatic.
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Forrest Gump is a haunting film about how long you have to wait for a bus in America
My flabber has been gasted.
BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair