Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
Why cant a bike stand on it’s own?
It’s two tired.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
I got 3 miles in before breakfast.
That’s enough driving for the day
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school
15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
doctor: how often do you exercise
me: does sex count
doctor: yes
me: twice a day
doctor: with other living ppl?
me: why would you specify living
doctor: just answer
me: no I don’t exercise
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”