Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?

I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.

I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.

My favorite part of the Bible is where Jesus gives money to the rich, tells the poor to suck it up and asks for Caesar’s birth certificate.

My doctor wants me to take a stress test.

I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.

How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?

I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:

a) that we were racing,

And more importantly,

b) that I won.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury

Finally got to experience my longtime dream today of getting sent the wrong zoom link for a meeting and entering a different, much more important meeting where everyone stared at their screen in confusion until the person in charge politely asked me who I was

I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters

*me in a horror movie*

me: a knife? HA

killer: [pauses confused]

me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA

k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]

I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!

A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.

I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals

Recently I did this with a farmer.

ADVICE: DON’T

I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile

Then walk into a wall

Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.

And also my car door.

PSA:

Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.

Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?

Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.

Me: Yes it is.

I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN

An Autobiography

[phone call with ex]
Me: you want to hang out tonight?
Ex: sure. When & where?
Me: no, we’re not going. It’s enough just to know you would.

Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.

If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff

Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?

Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever

Wife: So yes then