Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
almost typed dame instead of same and why don’t we say “same, dame” instead of “girl, same”
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on