Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar

Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.

My 4 year olds are looking in the mirror and trying to catch their reflections making a mistake.

You’ll be OK

AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!

ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.

AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods

product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open

ceo: lol no

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing

6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.

That stung.

My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.

Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.

Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.

count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man

wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula

*dracula turns into a bat*

*wolf man turns into a wolf*

godzilla: weird flex, but ok

*eats them both*

Man: Is Krista your actual name?
Me: Yeah.
Man: I’ve never heard of it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Is it short for something?
Me: Nope.
Man: I was sure it was short for something.
Me: It’s not.
Man: I’ve just never heard it.
Me: Okay.
Man: Are you sure it’s not short for anything?

I need to sieze this.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.

0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.

2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.

A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”

– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….