Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
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Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!