Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.

*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*

I expected that to go differently

*finally finds comfiest position in bed*

bladder: so you’re not going to believe this

Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo

you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.

Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back

I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.

What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!

I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.

I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.

me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?

A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”

Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!

Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.

Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.

pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates

Cashiers are always checking me out

[Me as 911 Operator]

*phone rings*

I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”

imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.

me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed

boss: ok how long?

me: just a normal bed

One time I wanted to avoid all the PTA moms, so I told them my cupcakes were store bought.

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

“You gotta try the lobs-”
– I’ll should tell you…
“Yes?”
– We’re not having sex.
“OK.”
– What were you saying?
“The chicken here’s great.”

[math class]

ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place

STUDENT: what’s the point?

ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway

STUDENT: I mean in that number

ME: oh, that’s the decimal

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.

bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring

jeweler: how many karats

bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale

You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?