Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cheers erupt as woman cuts into perfectly ripe avocado

Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

What did one toilet say to the other?

You look flushed.

#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes

I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.

Me: I’ll take 1 pound of slommy please.

Deli clerk: Um, do you mean salami?

Me (unable to admit when I’m wrong): You call yourself an Italian deli, and you don’t have slommy? Ridiculous.

My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse

Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?

Me: Yes, I was.

Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.

Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.

A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.

FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.

My middle finger will be answering all questions today!

Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.

new wife guy just dropped

buying dead houseplants to save time

ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

ME: for like important stuff i guess

CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs

ME: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

ME: she did what

Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.

My husband and I had an argument yesterday, we went to bed angry.

I woke up to a bacon egg & cheese. I thought wow… he’s really making an effort. I ate it.

Turns out it wasn’t for me 🤣

I’m more of a homeless romantic.

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??

We’re having leftover pizza.

HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!

Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale

going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.