Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

mom had nothing to worry about

starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!

me: oh hell yes

starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead

me: what are they made of

starbucks: plastic

me:

starbucks:

me:

starbucks: wait shit

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me

[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]

Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.

zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all

poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.

can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭

Spiderman: *shoots web from wrist*

spider: yeah that way’s fine too

Jehovah’s Witnesses tell the worst knock knock jokes.

After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever

~Women

KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table

POLICE CAT: for now

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”

Well, this explains it:

[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]

MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.

ME: what’s for dinner tonight

BRAIN: what

[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”

Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…

…scared the living shit out of me.

channeling her this year

cop: omg they trashed your apartment

me: yes, it was them

I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.