Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.

Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”

When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.

That’s more my speed.

we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now

he was correct

A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”

Me: I can never tell what girls want

Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.

Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?

Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.

Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.

I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago

Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Brain: You need sleep.

Me: *lies down to sleep*

Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.

BRITS: Put extra vowels in all of the words!

WELSH: Fckn Brts tk r vwls. Lts jst mk nw wrds wtht thm, xcpt y. Y cn sty.

I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture

Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people

Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids

Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.

me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot

date: what kind of books?

me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones

MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!

Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!

Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]

i have an area in my backyard i call “the big stew” it’s a pit i dug where i dump old batteries, gas, household chemicals, and dr pepper. i stir it once a month

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.

We just got it set up.

I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.

8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.