Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.

MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.

Me: how are you?

Toddler: shitty.

Me: I hear that.

Toddler: can you change me?

Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.

Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

The next James Bond should be weird. Like he wears a train conductor’s hat and he’s afraid of balloons

If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.

Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.

I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”

I needed this today. He takes a break. Lol

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

Wife: I remember your proposal

Me: Oh yeah?

Wife: It was so romantic

Me: It was?

Wife: You put in so much effort

Me:

Wife: That was Steve?

Me: That was Steve

who called it an infinity scarf instead of a scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.

Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?

A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue

Sorry, I’m using all 43 grocery carts. Use a basket.

Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.

Follow me for more relationship advice.

Person: *falls in love with me*

Me: I have felt bad for a spoon I accidentally threw away because it probably thinks I don’t want it anymore and, why is it the only spoon the in the trash.

Person: ok cool, never mind.

”How’d you get that scar on your head?”

[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]

”Stopped a bank robbery”

I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :

Hugh Janus

And now i can’t stop laughing

customs officer: anything to declare?

me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket

*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend

Me: I’ll have a small drink.

Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.

Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!

He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.

#PayInHay
#Kerching

Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?

Other friend: What, like in tacos?

This is why I love them.

Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”

I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!