Dermatologist just told me this surgery is going to leave a scar.
Can we have a moment of silence for the death of my modeling career?
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[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If I don’t post proof of my bubble bath…did it even actually happen.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
making sure he doesnt get away
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work