Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
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“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Teach your children to beatbox
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
[Who Wants To Be A Millionaire]
ME: I’d like to phone a friend.
HOST: (after 14 different attempts with no answer) The shows only an hour long.
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.