Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
Comparing yourself to others
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
Cow it started Cow it’s going
Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately
*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*
May it please the Court.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
The human personality is made of five key elements
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding. Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with “Welcome back everyone”?
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*