Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Got the hotel caretaker job! Can finally get cracking on my novel.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
too many types of pasta. I can say my fav is flincharoni and not one of you can be sure if it’s real. look at you googling it.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Did my parents think they could just blindly support my choice to wear Capri pants at age 13 without there being any consequences?
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman