Des Moines Police having a normal one
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Training a horde of rats to do my bidding is harder than I expected. After seven weeks they still misinterpret every command as “Bite me.”
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: future archaeologist will dig up disney world and assume it’s a temple of mouse worship
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Yesterday my friend quit her job while dressed as Ellen Ripley. Then a manager had to stop and discuss a counter offer with HR while dressed as an emu. I love Halloween so much
I just tested negative for patience.
Every time I see a turtle up close I’m like man this is not a good idea for an animal
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
I googled my symptoms and it turns out I just need this election to be over.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.