Des Moines Police having a normal one
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You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Can’t sleep because I keep finding exciting opportunities to get pissed off.
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
Pig: will we be friends forever?
Winnie the bear: no
Pig: friends until we die?
Winnie the bear: friends until I learn how to make sausages
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.