“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.