“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
How did the person who invented the spelling of “banana” decide when to stop?
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
don’t let anyone tell you, you can’t do something. show them you can’t.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare