“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
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Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
In ancient Egypt a man went around selling burial monuments that didn’t actually exist.
Fortunately people caught on to his pyramid scheme.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
a fun thing about getting older is all the sports injuries you get while sleeping
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
You can’t rush stupid.
“Let’s make it very difficult to open while people are bleeding.”
– inventor of the Band-Aid
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment