“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
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People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
this post was so formative to me
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is