Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: You hang up first.
Me: *click

People I hate when I’m driving:

1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.

The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

ME: we sure have one great kid

WIFE: we have two kids

ME: yes we do

[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish

911: what’s your emergency

me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball

911: again?

me: he won’t listen to us

Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.

When I empty the dishwasher, I pretend to be a Blackjack dealer and deal out the silverware.

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs

I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”

Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.

I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

My 8 year old packed his own toilet paper in his backpack to bring to school because he said theirs is too harsh.

whenever I look up and see a security camera, I like to imagine there’s a guy in some secret control room somewhere in europe who calls his boss on his little headset and says “we’ve got him, sir. he just entered the south hall at the chipotle on main street”

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse

Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?

Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.

Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?

*Googles myself*

“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”

The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31

31 year old me: lmao nope

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”

Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!