Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
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I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
My 3-year-old’s favorite game is Restaurant which just entails her putting on a chef’s hat and me ordering dessert and no matter what I order she says, “We don’t have that.”
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
half of twitter is horny, half is depressed and the other half don’t know how to do math
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.