Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
You Might Also Like
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Thank you 🥹
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.
WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened