“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
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Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
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6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!
everyone else: [cleans]
me: not like that
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
