Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story

Not sure how to cuddle propawly

📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG

Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.

*goes produce shopping*

Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.

*minds peas & queues*

My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.

My husband says he doesn’t understand why I hate grocery shopping so much, because he doesn’t mind it. And by “grocery shopping,” he means a quick run to the store for ice cream, treats, and snacks. You know, the “essentials.”

I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.

Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.

Me: Fair enough, Carl.

If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.

I believe it was Aristotle who once said “The fastest way to get you kids to stop screaming is to also start screaming.”

She was rare, like a goth carolling.

My 3 moods:

1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.

I’m currently on a really effective diet called “I only have twenty dollars until payday”.

I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.

I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest

That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel

I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.

Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”

I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.

me, minding my own business as a vegan:

someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe

WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them

ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.