described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
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Other people were raised to kiss the chef if they found a bay leaf in their food too, right? Why is this restaurant asking me to leave
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
I don’t wanna be an alpha male or a beta male. I wanna be an armadillo so when I’m stressed I can just @ and roll away from my problems
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
No, YOUR illiterate.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
Like sure, yes. Encouraging independent play is good for a kid’s development but like…these people sound like they just want to leave their babies in the wilderness for the wolves to raise
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit