described my dog as a “man of few words” and the uber driver didn’t laugh. gonna open the door on the freeway.
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TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
Step 1:Make pillows with”Love” printed on them
Step 2:Become a lawyer
Step 3:Defend men who smother their GF with love
Step 4:Become rich
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
The day started well when I picked up my car keys to turn on the television.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
That girl from The Exorcist was a real head turner
Me: “You didn’t tell me that.”
Them: “Yes I did, four times while you were staring at your phone.”
Me (looks up): “I’m sorry, what?”
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
I need to know the brand of toothbrush my neighbor has. I hear it buzzing sometimes an hour at a time and she’s clearly enjoying it