[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
You didn’t question the free nachos or the ride in the van. But now that I’ve got a knife to your throat you’re all “why, why?”
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Why roboticize vacuuming? It’s all instant gratification. It’s the crack of cleaning.
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
my daughter just announced to me her favorite subject is math & I’m totally aghast.
girl, there are not FIVE degrees in English literature between your parents for you to like math. please.
like how’d Scar’s mom know he was going to get a scar one day?
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
please send your thoughts and prayers to my 8 yo who has a loose tooth and he is now incapable of doing anything such as emptying the dishwasher or eating veggies because they’re too hard to chew.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
them: are you talking to anyone?
me: yes, myself. i think we’re really hitting it off
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?