[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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Christmas combines two things I love the most, getting fat and lying to children.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
This pepper has seen some shit
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
🎵 I can’t wait to
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Werewolves, vampires, and zombies are always so hungry-desperate to bite people and turn them into companions.
Shout-out to witches for being cool about that shit.
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I love when the restaurant bathroom has different music playing than the restaurant. It’s like I’m going to Club Pee Pee
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Every time my phone rings
