[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
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I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
[raises hand in math class]
HOW DO PEOPLE WHO WORK AT THE SPAM CORPORATION KNOW WHEN THEY’RE GETTING UNSOLICITED EMAIL?
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
I wish you could comment on Zillow.
Like “Wtf are you smoking this house is not worth 990k”
The comment section would be very entertaining
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
thank god
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
If you see a kid who’s physically unusual somehow, be sure to mention it to the parents. Odds are, they’ve never noticed and will thank you.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I’m having an out of money experience.
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go