describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
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Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
No parenting book prepares you to answer the question, “Does Lightning McQueen have car insurance or life insurance?”
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
In a parallel universe, Mariah Carey is doing her shopping and is sick of hearing me on every store’s speaker system.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
If you drink five of those 5 Hour Energy drinks in one day you unlock the secret 25th hour and you also die
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.