describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
You Might Also Like
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
Him: Why are you cuddling with the thermometer?
Her: Because he tells the truth, never disappoints me, and doesn’t judge my family, Cameron.
Him: This is getting ridiculous. I’m throwing that thing away.
Her: Don’t you dare touch, Freddie Mercury!
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Did you get that psychic damage I sent you
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
huge if true: the moon
BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
Wolves should really raise more people.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
It’s hard to believe 2019 was only 15 years ago
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I like chaos.
-turns on news-
Not like that
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult