[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
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I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂
#archaeohistories