Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

I want to meet the individual who made this

Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.

I hope Usain is training his daughter. Can’t let a name like Olympia Lightning Bolt go to waste, sorry

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen

me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail

willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-

me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed

willy wonka:

me: how did- how could they have prepared

Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL

Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.

Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on

*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch

When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions

Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?

Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly

Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs

Need this in my life lol

[1863]

LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—

MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers

everyone’s a critic

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.

Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.