[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
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No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
I tried to cancel the sail I ordered for my new boat but Amazon said:
“We’re sorry, your sail has shipped.”
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I’m sorry…what?
[First day as a psychic]
Me: I’m sensing a lot of disappointment.
Wife: Shut up and turn the light off. I have work in the morning
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!