[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
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Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I just squealed when I saw my daughter brought home 2 lost water bottles from school. This is my life now.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Wife: bay.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Wife: bee.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Wife: shhh.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Wife: ark.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
me: i heard you were talking shit about me to your mom.
my niece (who’s 12): yeah. did you want to hear it again, or did you get everything?
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
*wakes up*
*frantically searches the bed for the donut I was eating in my dream*
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
I’m sorry I thought your dog’s name was Maverick and your kid’s name was Cooper
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”