Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”

we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true

It was the best of times, it was the election year of times.

Therapist: Are you two still romantic?

Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.

Husband: There were chores written on all of them.

When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.

Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.

I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.

My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat

How loud can you talk?

-Alcohol

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

“Please be normal”
“Nope”

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”

Waking up has backfired on me so many times

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.

hot girl at the club: so can i get your phone number?

me: hell yeah

girl: how about your address?

me: oh for sure, come by

girl: and your mother’s maiden name?

me: wait what

Statistics Magic: We interviewed 2000 people that have
played Russian Roulette 🔫 before. All 100% of them survived the game.
💯

Conclusion: Russian Roulette is completely safe to play!
🎯 🥳

#stats

Unsolicited sandwich pics.

Underwear…

Because every present needs to be wrapped.

“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth

I’m just a girl

standing in front of a pizza

asking it to not have carbs.

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

me: *competes in gymnastics*

official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”

The Friday File.