[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*

Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…


What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?


WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.


Today I was walking my dog and a man stopped us and asked how much my dog weighed and I told him and he said, “Great, thanks — I do dog math for my job” and walked away.


Emailing teachers be like

Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*

Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone


Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”

Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”


Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.