[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
(friend who didn’t get invited on the blair witch project trip) ah jeez that’s awful. tragic. and you found all their footage? so did they ever like.. explain why they could only bring 3 people in a car that seats 4 or like
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Rather alarming headline…
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*