*lies down in bed*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*
Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
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Co-worker: You drink a lot of coffee!!!!
Me: It’s for your own safety.
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
WANTED: Someone to have my babies and carry on my family name. No strings attached. You can even keep the kids.
Today I was walking my dog and a man stopped us and asked how much my dog weighed and I told him and he said, “Great, thanks — I do dog math for my job” and walked away.
Drugs are bad…when they wear off.
Emailing teachers be like
Me: *polite greeting, multiple paragraphs, perfect grammar*
Professor: “sure” -sent from my iPhone
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.