Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We are trained since birth that happiness comes from boobs or bottles.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]

Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.

ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.

FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone

Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?

The 5 Love Languages

Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me

Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe

Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind

Gift Giving: give me a sign

Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.

Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.

Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close

It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.

me: sord

English: sword

me: why

English: because i like it lol

me: that’s not a good anser

English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this

If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re low on eyes.

[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over

Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv

Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?