[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
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Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I bet the guy who invented pants wasn’t even wearing any pants when he invented them.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
It’s time for people to stop being hateful about fat bodies and start being hateful about fat vehicles. I hate SUVs. They look like full diapers squishing down the road, constantly spilling into other lanes. Why do so many people need to drive around in a studio apartment?
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
[showing new guy around office]
Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.
New guy: He said the same about you, haha.
Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!
I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.