[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
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[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
Smile Twitter, Smile.
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Don’t worry about your kids wanting to talk about sex, worry about your parents wanting to talk about politics
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.