Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What legos do when we’re not looking.

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”

I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.

Me: You make me so proud.

Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A

“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED

IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS

fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe

This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more

you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken

Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.

[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED

Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.

😬

My wife handed me a paring
knife to slice some peaches.

Apparently we don’t have
a peaching knife.

*At the checkout

Cashier: How many croissants?

M: Four

*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.

M: Um six

Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.

So, when we talk about history repeating itself are we talking just fashion trends or can I start prepping for a pet dinosaur ?

The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.

A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done