[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
You Might Also Like
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
Wait a minute…
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
There are so many people going to hell I’m thinking of investing in some property there.
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.