Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands

Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

Wall-E is probably the most human love story of all: little gremlin man that collects cool shit meets shiny lady that wants him to have more plants.

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

God: [making trees]

Trees: yay

God: [making beavers]

Trees: nonononono

Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.

The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.

I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?

I’m not “passive aggressive”… would a passive aggressive person put glitter in your air vents?

There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.

***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*

Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*

Me: *driving*

My mom at every turn:

Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.

I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.

Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.

Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?

Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.