Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –

Obicron Kenobi

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.

Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.

Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!

Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…

Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn

I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”

Friend:*terrified* don’t make a sound and maybe the killer won’t find us

Me: *quietly tries to tighten velcro sneakers*

My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.

I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?

4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out

“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon

I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes

Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.

To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.

A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?

Me: *never blinks again*

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE

Love this joke:

Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!

waiter: say when

dracula: ven

other waiter: haha say it again

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

Son: We’re having chicken and rice for dinner?

Me: No. That’s for the dogs. Heat up some pizza rolls or something.

Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.

Rascals! #txt

Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving

My mom texting me from an anime convention

REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person

Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours

Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house

Me: There was a murderer in my house?

excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries

me, interrupting a couple fighting