[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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googling “effect vs affect” in an incognito window
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Tammy is short for Tamuel
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
no exceptions
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Monolith: look, when I booked this tour how could I have known 2020 would—
Monolith Travel Agent: I’m sorry, these are non-refundable tickets
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.