[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
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Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
Every parent who said “I’ll GIVE you something to cry about” was talking about 2024.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
Very funny that the new Batman movies are rated PG-13 but the Penguin HBO series isn’t so in context it just looks like everyone is too polite to curse around Batman
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
Look, I can either get over my ex or go on a diet but I can’t do both.
My baby never smiles bigger than when she find my phone left unlocked.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
How about a scale that will sense when you’re about to eat something you shouldn’t and then yells at you from the bathroom.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
There’s a woman in my office who is very very very obviously pregnant but she still hasn’t mentioned it and I am being SO STRONG and I refuse to ask because I will never ever ask just in case