Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want

Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.

Cause I think it does.

best feeling ever is when u dream u accidentally murder someone and try to cover it up but of course the dominos start crashing down and your life is ruined, and u wake up like omg. I’m sooo glad I didn’t kill that guy

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…

[bank]

Associate: are you here to take out a loan?

Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.

#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly

I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Mike Tyson’s apartment building

If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.

washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out

[me giving a TED Talk]

*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*

The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma

I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.

Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.

A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.

I am never leaving this website

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

I don’t need a psychic to tell me which planets make me sad. It’s earth.

If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

[before surgery]

doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?

me: yes, every night