Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are you dating a bunch of bees?

A potential new client told me I reminded him of his first wife, “but in a good way.”

When we finished the consult and I told him my retainer he said, “I take back what I said about you reminding me of my first wife in a good way. You remind me of my first wife in every way.”

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?

– my brain at 2:00 am

please help me find just 1 of my 5,000 lighters

“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently

You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.

[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]

What if you could clap with your feet?

i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”

I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)

Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology

Egyptians: …

Aliens: …

Egyptians: ok don’t be mad

uber driver is making small talk with me and asks me what i do, so i said i study philosophy, and he immediately says “oh nice man you hear it was Kant’s 300th birthday a few weeks ago? i bet you people went wild for that”

We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.

[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab

‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’

– Christian Rock

Friday night plans

*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac

Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…

I’m not saying my 6yo is dramatic, I’m just saying we heard a severe thunderstorm warning on the car radio, and he groaned and said ugh why does my day keep getting worse

Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.

all that yoga finally paid off

My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.

My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”